Tree Time Capsules: Trolling the Future with Foliage

Matthew Davis -

Ever looked at a tree and thought, "Gee, I wish I could use this to mess with people who aren't even born yet"? No? Just me? Well, buckle up, buttercup, because we're about to embark on a journey of horticultural hijinks that'll make future generations question their sanity—and our intelligence.

The "Art" of Arboreal Time Travel

Forget those quaint metal time capsules that are about as exciting as a mayonnaise sandwich. We're going to plant living, growing time capsules that'll make future people say, "Seriously? This is what passed for humor back then? No wonder they couldn't solve climate change."

Here's how we're going to perplex posterity:

The Selfie Spot Supreme

Find a scenic location that's likely to remain accessible in the future. Plant a grove of trees in a specific pattern—let's say, a giant middle finger when viewed from above. In about 50-100 years, this will become the ultimate selfie spot. Imagine the social media posts: "Just found this ancient forest flipping us off! Thanks, ancestors! #TreeMiddleFinger #WhyThough"

The Puzzle Tree Maze

Plant a maze using fast-growing trees, but here's the kicker: the solution to the maze spells out "We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty." As the trees grow, the maze becomes more challenging, and the message remains a mystery until some poor soul solves it, only to be reminded of the most annoying scam calls of our era. Future drone enthusiasts will curse your name!

The Whispering Willows

Plant a circle of willow trees with their branches trained to grow inward, creating a natural dome. Inside this dome, install a simple wind-powered mechanism that creates soft, whisper-like sounds saying, "The cake is a lie" or "Covfefe" on repeat. Future visitors will step into a magical space where the "trees" seem to whisper nonsensical memes from the past. They'll leave feeling both enchanted and slightly dumber.

The Fruit Fusion Fiasco

Graft several fruit trees together to create a single tree that produces multiple types of fruit. In a nearby weather-proof container, leave recipes for fruit salads and smoothies that won't be possible to make for at least 15-20 years. But here's the twist: make all the recipes sound absolutely disgusting. "Durian-Limburger Smoothie," anyone? Future foodies will question everything they know about culinary history.

The Living Swing Set

Plant two trees parallel to each other, with enough space between them for a swing. Secure a swing seat to both trees with a system that allows for growth. In a few decades, kids will have an amazing, natural swing set—and parents will be left wondering why the heck someone thought it was a good idea to make playground equipment that takes half a century to be usable.

The Hugging Hotspot

Plant two trees close together. As they grow, guide their trunks to intertwine. Leave a plaque nearby with the inscription: "Hug these trees to instantly receive the knowledge of the ancients." Watch as it becomes a local legend and popular spot for tree-hugging selfies, with people desperately trying to figure out why they don't feel any smarter.

The Living Sundial

Plant trees in a circle to create a natural sundial. Include instructions on how to read it, but phrase them as if you're explaining the most complex quantum physics equation ever conceived. Make sure to include a note at the end saying, "Or you could just check your phone, you hipster." Future archaeologists will hate you for wasting their time.

Picking Your Spots (Because Apparently, That's Important)

Now, you can't just go around planting trees willy-nilly (though that does sound like a great way to annoy city planners). Here are some prime locations for your arboreal antics:

  1. Public parks: Because nothing says "I love my community" like confusing the heck out of it.
  2. School grounds: Educate and traumatize future generations all at once!
  3. New housing developments: Give new communities a sense of mystery, history, and regret for their choice of neighborhood.
  4. Along hiking trails: Surprise future nature enthusiasts with a dose of man-made weirdness.
  5. In designated "future archaeological sites": Really mess with future historians. They deserve it for making us memorize all those dates in school.

Remember, the key is to choose locations that are likely to remain accessible and relatively unchanged for decades to come. We're going for "long-term nuisance" here, people!

A Note on Responsible Fun (Ugh, Lawyers Made Us Include This)

While we're all about quirky tree-planting hijinks, remember to be respectful of the environment and local regulations. Always get proper permissions, use native species when possible, and make sure your Tree Time Capsules won't cause problems as they grow. We want to amuse future generations, not get sued by them. Save the lawsuits for the time travelers—they can afford better lawyers.

Branching Out to the Future (Get It? Tree Puns!)

So there you have it, folks—a guide to reaching out to the future through the magic of strategic tree-planting. Who knows? Maybe someday, decades from now, someone will be walking through a park and stumble upon your creation. They'll look up at the towering trees, scratch their head in wonder, and think, "What kind of sleep-deprived, possibly intoxicated maniac came up with this?"

And just like that, through the slow, steady growth of a tree, you'll have trolled the future. Now get out there and plant some mischief! Future generations aren't going to confuse themselves, you know.

P.S. If you're reading this from the future and you've discovered one of our Tree Time Capsules, we have just one question: Why aren't you zipping around in your flying car instead of staring at trees, you loser?